Denmark

The national religion, one suspects, is a form of highly sophisticated, self-deprecating irony. We make fun of ourselves and each other constantly, in a ritual known as janteloven (which is basically a social algorithm designed to prevent anyone from feeling too special), yet manage to remain, statistically, some of the happiest people on Earth. This suggests that the secret to true happiness is simply to tell extremely dry jokes about your own existence.

The Carefree Public Drinking and Nudity is just a logical extension of this mindset. Once you’ve established that the world is largely indifferent to your struggles and that you are probably going to have a decent hospital and pension fund regardless, why not take off your clothes and enjoy a beer in a public park?

Finally, we come to the great empty space that defines Denmark: its landscape. It is a country almost entirely devoid of dramatic geological features. There are no mountains, no active volcanos, no vast, surging rivers—just low-lying, gently rolling plains that go on for quite a while, frequently interrupted by a disconcerting amount of coastline.

The highest point is a hill called Møllehøj, which stands at a modest 171 meters. In many other countries, this would be considered a slight incline or perhaps a decent-sized historical mound, but in Denmark, it is a peak. We have therefore proven that if you wait long enough for the glaciers to finish their work, and then carefully cultivate your society, you can achieve world-leading happiness simply by lowering your geographical expectations.

The secret to our inexplicable cheerfulness, is a concept known as “Hygge”.
Statistically, Denmark burns more candles per capita than any other nation, and if your living room doesn’t resemble a Victorian seance, you aren’t doing it right.
At its heart, hygge is a strategic defense mechanism against the universe being a bit of a cold, indifferent place. It’s a way of building a small, temporary fortress of warmth and friendship.
It’s about being “present.” It’s about the absence of anything annoying or overwhelming. It is essentially the art of pretending that the rest of the world doesn’t exist for twenty minutes while you drink something hot and eat a pastry the size of your head. (Read Hygge Explained further down the page.)

And that, in essence, is Denmark: a nation of highly evolved, furniture-designing, irony-loving, former pirate-descendants who have somehow managed to create a perfect, flat, well-funded utopia, mostly by avoiding the mistake of taking anything—especially ourselves—too seriously.

Dos and don’ts in Denmark

• When you arrive at a party, greet everyone individually.
• Everyone helps carry things to and from the kitchen, set the table, clean up, etc.
• A dinner starts at 6 PM and ends sometime after midnight.
• People stay at the table after the meal to continue the conversation, and there is a lot of drinking.
• Don’t praise yourself, your partner or your children. It’s embarrassing.
• Feel free to make fun of yourself. Self-irony is highly valued and a show of self-confidence.
• Time is valuable and precious, money is not. You can impress with a vacation or hobby, but not with an expensive car or accessories.
• Time is valuable: Don’t be late. Ever. Burning other people’s money in front of them would be a lesser offense than wasting their time.
• All people have equal value, and their opinions will be heard, even the person who sweeps the floor.
• Being the king, chairman or CEO is a position of trust. It doesn’t mean that you decide, but that you organize meetings and carry out what is agreed.
• Don’t use your title. “I work at Novo” is enough, we don’t need to know if you’re the boss or the dishwasher.
• Religious outrage is like your bad breath: Keep it to yourself.
• Don’t approach a subject cautiously. Get to the point. (“I’m very sensitive to loud noises. Turn down the music.”)
• People who don’t make eye contact or smile are considerate, not mean.
• People’s homes are their secret lairs. If you’re invited to someone’s home, you belong to their inner circle of friends.
• Denmark is a small country with short distances. Friendships that start in preschool last a lifetime.
• There are no taboos and “forbidden words”, but sex, religion and politics are only discussed with your friends.
• If you monitor your children 24/7 and solve all their problems for them, you will be considered a bad parent for not letting them develop natural self-confidence and independence. Let them bike to school – alone.
• If you raise your voice or use condescending words, you’ve lost. Give up and leave in shame.
• If someone makes fun of you, it’s a sign of respect. If they don’t, you have a problem. Being able to tolerate being made fun of is a sign of self-confidence and trust.
• Denmark is a very small country. If we are mentioned in international news we lose our shit. Feel free to laugh at it.
• A very welcome imported word in the Danish language is “fuck”. Get used to hearing it 100 times a day.
• If you see someone taking off all their clothes to swim in the harbor, you’re welcome to look, but don’t stare like a creep. They’re not doing it for attention. 
• If you complain in a restaurant, that someone breastfeeding is making you uncomfortable, you will be asked to leave. And never come back.
• A law doesn’t mean you have to obey it. It means you have to be considerate when you break it. There’s a reason it’s there, and you’re an intelligent person who understands the potential consequences.
• We ignore you or hug you. There is no in between. (Except for formal business meetings.)
• If a Dane says you’re an idiot, it’s to help you. It doesn’t mean the friendship is over – in fact, the opposite.
• We are still Vikings. We don’t care about sensitive feelings, we get straight to the point, we are not afraid of either Russia or the USA (as you may have seen in the news), but we are loyal to those who show us respect, to the last drop of blood. We like to punch up, and as newbies in the company not afraid to argue with the boss. Throw away your sensitivity and anxiety, and join in.
• When you arrive at a business meeting don’t start with small talk. Business first, social pleasantries afterwords. (Pleasantries before business will create the impression you were only pleasant to trick people. After the business is done, it’ll show genuine interest.)
• You are given trust, but you earn respect.
• No one is going to steal your money, your child, or your iPhone. Stop being neurotic. (But they will steal your bike, so lock it thoroughly.)
• If you see the king or the prime minister cycling alone through the city, don’t lose your shit. Keep your dignity and your phone in your pocket.
• In short: Stop being overly sensitive and neurotic. Show equal respect for everyone, help with all tasks, and be empathetic. But most of all: Make fun of yourself and everyone else, drink like there’s no tomorrow, and laugh out loud.